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The level of hypocrisy in the VI 'is my biggest struggle'- Ayana S. Hull
Those were the words of prominent Virgin Islands personality Ms Ayana S. Hull when she appeared as a guest and engaged in a most interesting and revealing discussion on the ‘Relationship Rescue’ television programme with pastor Claude Skelton-Cline on CBN 51 last evening March 11, 2013.
Ms Hull touched on her own relationship experience, including her divorce, and not only how she has been coping but that she has now been trying to help other young people foster healthy relationships by trying to break away from the usually accepted norms of society.
One of the accepted norms and which even today could be heard uttered at weddings and wedding anniversaries is usually the practice of the old saying “your bedroom business should remain in your bedroom”, which Ms Hull said she has a problem with. “I wonder where it started? I have pondered it a lot because I think it is so like the yellow wallpaper and you can’t share anything because you have almost been socialised to believe that whatever you are struggling with should be private.”
According to Ms Hull, she was liberated from that saying and practice because, in her reasoning, infidelity doesn’t happen in the bedroom of the home. “So I think sometimes we have been socialised to believe that everything should remain confidential. I don’t think it helps us...I think it hurts us.”
She explained that as a parent she would never be contented not showing her children how to make their life right and it could not be done with pretence. She added that even though children may hurt during a relationship/marriage breakup, it would be better for them in the long run when they are able to understand why it happened and what they should accept and not accept in a relationship.
Hull’s views were agreed with by Mr Skelton-Cline who said the saying “your bedroom business should remain in your bedroom” is an example of hypocrisy, which he said exists in the Virgin Islands.
“It sounds cute and it sounds like it’s right but it is so far from the truth...I think what persons want to say is let’s keep covering each other’s reckless habits and behaviour because it is private. And especially in the BVI we doggone well know it’s a pseudo-confidentiality that we like to purport and what it does to a culture it makes a culture believe on the one hand there is secrecy when there is nothing secret. It’s that kind of hypocrisy and that kind of duality that makes our world extremely complicated.”
According to Ms Hull, it [hypocrisy] is one of her biggest struggles living in the Virgin Islands.
“The level of hypocrisy that we pretend to be normal, it’s the biggest struggle that I have. Most of the people that know you know what you are going through but they try to pretend that it’s only something you know and I am not a hypocrite, I cannot live life like that.”
Dating
Noting that the dating process is non-existent here, Ms Hull believes it is something that should become acceptable in Virgin Islands society without the negative labels and that it should especially be for the benefit of men since, according to the bible, he should be the one doing the chasing.
She also said herunderstanding of dating is that a person is able to see two or three people at the same time and try to figure out which has matching or favoured personality types. “I don’t think that happens here because if a woman in the BVI is seen dating two or three persons she develops a reputation of either being a user or some other choiced words that none of us wants to be labelled as...It is the same challenge for a male.”
Ms Hull did note, however, that she is more for exclusive dating. “That’s because I do not see myself, even with my experience now, as having to know so many different types of people...I don’t make decisions lightly or carelessly and for me to get involved with a man I would have some basis on who he is and what he stands for. So if you get me to turn your head to you it’s because what I know about you I already like.”
Advice to young people in relationships: Take your time
The lawyer and writer has advised young people in relationships to take their time to know the person they are seeing before committing to a serious relationship. She reflected that it was two weeks after her 18th birthday that she met her husband (now divorced) and that three 3 months after she left the Virgin Islands for university and was in a decided relationship at 18.
“And I think that is a function of the way we have been socialised. I don’t think we have got the chance to really develop a friendship there.” At this point she spoke about being in university and selling her football coupons to come home to her relationship during Spring break.
“That is not something I would encourage my daughter to do. She is 15. It’s not something I would encourage my son to do. I think you have to get to know people and we need to stop putting labels on relationships and try to form friendships because it is the friendship that will last over time.”
Ms Hull also opined that too many times persons allow the romantic part of love to govern the relationship. “Eros has a time limit because you are only going to look hot for a time in somebody’s eye sight before that wears off,” and added that it is a problem regarding relationships in the Caribbean.
Don’t Have Children Early!
She may had her two children by the age of 23, but Hull was quick to add that she would not advise anyone to have their children too early in a relationship and if she had a second chance she would have done things differently.
She explained that children often complicate decisions especially when the better option may be to discontinue a relationship but one stays because of the children.
“So the other thing is do not have children that early. Don’t get into a relationship today and think that the next objective is to have children because you just might find that the life expectations and the personality and the morals and the ethics are clashing....Young people, get to know people, forge a friendship, get your life experience, travel, and don’t think there is that pressure on you to have children so early in relationships.”
Show of public affection
Seeming taking a little swipe at men now and then, Ms Hull noted that there seems to be a lack of public affection in Virgin Islands society and that men are usually the ones failing to show it. “There is no show of public affection anywhere. I wonder if it’s because men are afraid of what else is out there so they are hiding. I hope we can get to a point in our community where married people are happy to hug each other and show affection in public because we need to see and the children need to see...”
She also noted that in the VI, problems in relationships are usually blamed on the women. “The pressure is on the women. If something goes wrong in the marriage it’s the woman that didn’t do something.”
A product of teenage pregnancy
Revealing more about her personal life, Ms Hull said her mother was pregnant with her at the age of 15. “So I went through my entire high school life knowing that the one thing that would not happen to me is that I would not become pregnant [as a teenager]. So I just avoided boyfriends period but even though I was out of high school I wasn’t mature enough to deal with relationships at 16 so at the age of 18 I didn’t have relationship experience.”
Impressing on the need to take time to get various exposure before committing to a serious relationship, Ms Hull said she would have done things differently if she knew differently then. “I would have gone to Florida State, gone to my football games, I would have met people, I would have seen how males work in that..before you get lockdown into one relationship.”
Ms Hull said her focus now is to try to help a younger generation and has been doing this through various articles she has been producing on relationships. “Because I think that we have been socialised in a way that has caused our relationships to become troubled and if I can help my children then I would have something to have learnt from my experience.”
Men intimidated by Hull?
At the opening of the show, Mr Skelton-Cline asked Ms Hull whether the opposite sex tends to be intimidated by her academic qualifications and other achievements.
Ms Hull said she doesn’t have much experience in relationships with men but she has heard that men are sometime afraid to approach her. She added that very recently her personal trainer told her men wanted to approach her but don’t know how, “they are intimidated, I don’t know why but they are intimidated.”
Mr Claude Skelton-Cline said it was because she was an extremely attractive woman, is very advanced in the halls of academia, has a certain level of professionalism, elegance and sophistication that can be intimidating to some if not most men.
Ms Hull said she didn’t think she is an intimidating person but at the same time she does have ambition and intends to succeed. “I hope there is a man out there that sees that as complimentary as opposed to intimidating.”
She also said her strongest character trait is that she is very well organised and has a very clear picture of where she wants to go.
He has to be a Christian!
Ms Hull, who many men in the VI may have their eyes on now that she is single again, has accepted that men are different and even though she may have certain striking qualities it doesn’t necessarily mean she needs a man who has qualities just as her but there are certain things that are fundamental.
“He has to be a Christian, it’s simple because that I understand that men can only operate in a particularly good way if they are following God. I think I have come to that conclusion in my life now...and he has to have a good heart. And once he has those two things then I can basically work with anything else. I am not perfect.”
“How do you know he has a good heart?” Mr Skelton-Cline asked. “I think you have to be around him for a little while,” was Ms Hull’s reply.
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170 Responses to “The level of hypocrisy in the VI 'is my biggest struggle'- Ayana S. Hull”
Hypocrisy to the utmost lol! do you socialise within the VI? The so-called "christian men" here (majority) are well versed in acting like christians - they use the church as a cover for their infidelities - so good luck with that one darling - you may need more than a law degree with this lot! Intimidation is not the issue why men won't approach - its attitude!
get real chick
He seems to tell his side to all the idiots who would listen and noe because she spoke (twice) she is causing drama. Please.
Pot calling the kettle black. Christian? God don't like ugly.
she done find her christian....m so what is all this hoopla about.
That's what this is all about;
their husbands or men, instead of staying in marriages or relationships that obviously ended years ago, the consistent infidelity has long ago created a wedge in your house hold. Most of them (women) don't live with the men or husbands or sleep in separate rooms, if they do. While they drive around the big vehicles and live the big houses in hopes to protect and keep up the facade they've created, with the excuse that they have kids and use the kids to keep the men around, you do more damage to the kids by staying and keeping them in that environment, than leaving. If he has been there that long and not marry you chances are, it won't happen again. These men get outside kids and bring them home and they are accepted, as well as the men after doing so. Woman, this needs to stop, want better for yourselves. If you let men treat you that way, he will continue to. Stand for something or fall for anything. Woman need to stop ignoring what is right in-front their faces and accept an move on. He ain't the only man and having kids, don't make you any less desirable. Most woman stay in these relationships, because of society, financial gain, status(popularity) and become dependent on the man or life that has been created, they're more worried what may be said about them but more is being said by you staying, then by you leaving. Do not let the pressures of society keep you in an unhappy relationship because you are the one, that have to be in that relationship. You can do bad alone, you don't need the constant embarrassment and oppression of cheating, loveless men. Let them go!!
The school children them say that you have a m.... in the making already,
Don't think this was Christianlike. The God I serve is always amazed at the things we do as "Christians". But it's true, not all who say Lord, Lord will enter...
Nontheless, there are lots of men out there who have been through your same situation and also have children so give them your best shot, God bless!
As a professional Career woman - Entrepreneur, I have NEVER deserted my husband, children NOR my duties as a wife. I know it will hurt my home if I ever put 'CAREER' above, especially after my husband helped me through my career. Women MUST know how to balance them all .
Like so many "career" women, we dont have time for extra marital relationships, but the minute we dont have BALANCE; we are up for failure some where.
I am not for or against this article, but all this publicity might scare single men away oppose to them being attractive to her.. they might see her as a mean, power woman.
Majority of the times a man shouldnt be blamed especially when the woman only focuses on her career. A young guy RIGHT NOW struggles with his wife as a doctor. All she talks about is her career, her career and pays him no mind. The very career a man helps her to achieve.
Men and women have a responsibility to show affection to our mates whether in private or public. If we don't show or display affection in our homes how are we suppose to switch on and off when out publicly, as if to pretend that we are loving towards one another. At the end of the day what you give is what you get.
Affection goes both ways and it should not only be given by men or women at the time they need sex. You should display affection both in private and in public (at times). Both parties get what they give.
Very candid discussion on your personal affairs. I would have never thought that you were no longer officially "spoken for".
It's great that you've allowed your marital woes to become an "open book" so that more and more of us can learn and become more decisive and proactive in the affairs of our relational lives.
Thank you again for your candor and good luck in all of your relations-marital, private and otherwise!
"I understand that men can only operate in a particularly good way if they are following God."
Ur wrong on that Ms. Hull, very wrong. And which "men" ur talking about? I feel offended by this comment because you seem to be lumping "men" in this box because of your unfortunate situation of being a divorcee.
I've never been married, but am a young independent professional woman. Many of the points you talked about in the magazine and on the show, truly hit close to home in terms of my "relationship"; you have helped me to refocus my priorities and to continue to place God first in my life. Kudos to you Ms. Hull and I look forward to reading the book you are planning on writing after your kids have grown up.
All the best.
Problem 1. Men don't have to chase, women have to cooperate
Problem 2. A man doesn't just get up & be unfaithful without there being a lack of some attentiveness to his needs, b/c we hate to chase esp when we don't have to
Problem 3. Our bedroom business is our bedroom business.
Problem 4. Christian men cheat m or ethan any other so that is not the answer
2. You are so way off base on that. Studies have proven that most men (because they are more physical) cheat if they have an opportunity. Most women (because they are more) emotional) cheat if they are seeking security whether emotionally or financially. Men do not need a specific reason to cheat.
3. I agree with the bedroom business point but being unfaithful is not bedroom business as the infidelity involves a third party that does not reside in your bedroom.
4. All men have the potential to cheat as they are human. A man after God's own heart may cheat but he does not stay in that place forever. In speaking about a Christian, it is the substance of the person that should be looked at not the form (labelling). So not because a person calls themself a Christian means they are living according to the teachings of Jesus Christ. It is why we need to take some time and know people.
Women's studies say men cheat more, men studies show women cheat more & hide it better
Chiristian men cheat more than any other, you're gonna argue who is really a chritian? Let's just go with who proclaims it
What ever you do is a problem to some folks but my child do what ever you want keep them talking. I'm with you.
SPEAK OUT.
I do not want women to take this article at face value. Each woman's context will be different. we each have to evaluate our lives and determine what we can and cannot accept. obviously Miss Hull has had her revelation. Which is good. Let's not criticise her but accept that she has come to terms with who she is and is quite happy with where she is at.
Are you happy with your relationship? Do you feel that you are worth it to demand something better? no one is asking you to leave your relationship. However, she is sharing her opinion and experience, along the way she may have empowered someone that they can take charge of thier happiness and that there is life after adversity.
This girl is working so dam hard but this can never take the heat off the NDP. PEOPLE
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone so girlfriend now that I know you want be approached by real men I got you. But Waite. I don't have a Benz. I drive a big truck and I wearing size 15 shoes. Purcell girls do everything big hit me up. LMAO.
If her behaviour is of unsound mind and unintelligent, then I wonder what is accepting mental, physical, emotional abuse in silence. I guess that is profund intelligence!! Its all in keeping with our marketing slogan, I guess: Nature's Little Secrets. SMH
But a fool lays open his folly. -- Proverbs 13:16
Another:
Break the teeth in their mouths, O God; Lord, tear out the fangs of those lions! Psalms 58:6
Do you take this man to be your manful wedded husband? I DON'T
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN, CONGRATULATIONS!!
LOOK WHAT GETS UP GOING GOSSIP AND MEALY. WE ARE DIGGING EVERYONE's EYE BEFORE OUR OWN.
LORD HAVE MERCY ON THE PUBLIC AND HELP THEM TO CARE WHAT REALLY MATTERS IN THE COMMUNITY AND HELP THEM TO BETTER THEIR LIVES AND THE LIVES OF OTHERS.
AMEN
i just hear the bro...w...e gone leave him so he move back home ?????
"Think hard before you jump."
Marriage fail all the time. Just get over it.
May the good Lord direct Ms. Hull’s path so she can contribute to the BVI with Honour and Distinction